Live or Die
by edenfox
Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts to find his secret love involve with another.


**Title: **Live or Die**  
Author: **Emerald-silver Serpent  
**Summary:** Harry returns to Hogwarts to find his secret love involve with another.**  
Characters/Pairings: **Snarry sort of, Harry focuses on Severus, mentions of Draco Malfoy/Severus  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything that is considered any part of Harry Potter. All that belongs to JK Rowling.**  
Rating: **M**  
Betas: **Kastra and Flosspyromaniac**  
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**Live or Die

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After Hogwarts, life had been generally predictable. Harry had spent 4 years in the Auror Corps training and finally defeating Voldemort in his third year. After Voldemort's fall, Harry found he had little interest in chasing down leftover Deatheaters, so when Harry received a letter from Albus requesting if he would like to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts, of course Harry accepted. It was his favourite subject after all. Therefore, Harry packed up his belongings and returned to Hogwarts, his home. Upon his arrival, a dark figure was standing on the steps of Hogwarts awaiting him. Severus Snape.

"Oh look who it is," he drawled. "Harry Potter has come back to Hogwarts. Couldn't cope with the aurors, hmm?"

"Oh don't be such a prat, I missed you too. Besides, I have been an auror for 4 years, so stop making a big deal out of it."

Harry and Severus had been forced to call a truce back when Harry was seventeen. Harry's friends and the Order had been fed up with their arguments. All the fighting and bickering only weakened the Order as it caused tension within all of its members. They knew they had to make both Harry and Severus see what was behind their prejudices. In fact, it worked, Harry and Severus started to train for the war together and as time went on they had become really close, some say they were inseparable.

_4 years ago_

_"Stupefy!" _

_Harry blocked it instantly, although he nearly missed the second curse. He dodged it, but only barely. Harry winced internally as he felt the spell flash by, just missing his right arm._

_Harry took the chance and fired a stinging hex at his opponent. However, the hex bounced off a shield that was cast__and knocked him to his knees._

_"Harry, what does Moody always say?" said the stern Potions Master._

_"Constant vigilance, I know!"_

_"We will see about that." With a smirk, Severus sent another curse followed by a second to test if Harry was listening to a word he said._

_Harry easily blocked them both and smiled triumphantly at Severus. _

_"Rictusempra!"_

_"AHHHHHH!"_

_Severus chuckled, "Of course the Great Harry Potter celebrates and instantly drops his guard. So much for constant vigilance." Harry glared._

_"Always expect the unexpected, even in victory. You never know who might attack."_

_"Yeah, like a greasy old bat." Harry muttered, while fighting the tickling charm. "Can you please rel…haha…release me!" _

_"Why would I release you, I'm sure you can figure out how to end it." As Severus turned to leave the dueling room, Harry heard him calling back inviting him to come by the potions office for tea. _

_Harry smirked and muttered under his breath, "The opportunity has arrived." Harry lunged at Severus, remembering that in combat, spells aren't the only solution._

_Both crashed to the floor with Harry on top. Harry was faced to face with the most feared professor at Hogwarts. As Harry squirmed to get up but felt something poke his hip, he suddenly blushed realizing what it was. "Uh, Harry? Do you think you can get off me now? I rather lie on a bed instead of the ground covered in your sweat."_

_"Haha, very funny. At least I caught you off guard." smiled Harry, rolling smoothly off Severus' chest and pushing himself up from the floor. _

_"How very Slytherin of you; attacking me behind my back. I can't decide whether you should be smacked upside the head for that or be congratulated. Now help me up."_

_Blushing, Harry held out his hands. Once Severus was on his feet, Harry reluctantly let go. His heart started to flutter, touching Severus sent chills up his spine and down to his groin. Harry just stood there, gawking at his hands._

_"Harry? Harry, are you there?" Harry was brought back to Earth when that suddenly oh so sexy hand was waved in his face. "Come, let's get some tea."_

_End of Flashback_

Harry smiled at the memory playing through his head. That was the day he discovered his feelings for dear old Severus. Harry laughed softly as another memory came forward.

_"I am not old." Severus said crossing his arms._

_"Awe, Sev, of course you are. All teachers are old, look at the Headmaster."_

_"Of course the Headmaster is old. He's around 100 years! And stop calling me Sev."_

_"Why? I like Sev, or do you want to be called Sevvie?" Harry said with puppy dog eyes._

_Severus glared, "No you may not. Not Sev, Sevvie or," cringing his face, "Sevvie Pooh."_

_"Humph, fine for now. But remember, I always have my way eventually…" Harry let his sentence trail off like a promise as he turned and walked toward the Great Hall for dinner. Severus stood in the hallway smiling fondly at their little banter. Shaking his head, he headed for his rooms to grade papers, glaring at anyone who passed him. _

Harry jolted back to reality as Severus rolled his eyes. "Stupid child. Always cheeky. Well, come on then. No need to keep the Headmaster waiting for your appearance. He shall escort you to your rooms"

oooooooo

"I'm in Hell." Harry whimpered two weeks later. Every part of him hurt as he lay curled into a ball on his cold bed. Regardless of the fact that the fire was pumping out heat akin to a sauna, Harry felt as if he would never be warm again. Ice encrusted his body and nothing would free him from his prison of misery. A small part of Harry's mind accepted that he was having an emotional breakdown of sorts, but was helpless to control his overwhelmingly negative emotions.

Harry knew he had always found Hogwarts' own Potions Master and Professor incredibly sexy since his seventh year, but he understood now, it was love.

When Harry fled Hogwarts to join the Aurors, he thought he could deny his homosexuality and his feelings for the dark-haired man. But his memories of the time they spent together in his Seventh year, training, chatting, dueling or practicing windless magic, only brought back feelings of regret over what could have happened if he spoke up and admitted he truly cared when it was time for graduation.

When Harry found Severus with the Charms teacher, Draco Malfoy, things only got worse. After seeing them together outside of the potions classroom, kissing and speaking sweet confessions of love, Harry was devastated.

Even though Harry and Draco had given up their animosity and become friends, Harry could not help but feel resentful. "Why don't I have what they have?" Harry pondered aloud. Harry's heart gave into the hurt of disappointment screaming silently, 'it isn't fair that two of his closest friends should come together and enjoy life while their friend fades out of existence.' "Well Harry, life isn't fair." he spat out angrily.

Silently, Harry ran for his rooms, tears running down his face and watching his whole world fall before him. He couldn't think anymore. Harry headed straight for his bedroom and collapsed on the bed. "Oh my god, Severus found someone. How could I be so stupid! I should have told Severus how I feel. I should have told him before I left Hogwarts."

With a feeling of dread, Harry fell asleep with silent streams of tears. The next few days fell into routine, get up, go to breakfast, ignore the public affections of the couple beside him, teach, eat dinner, drink himself into oblivion, then bed.

Over the years Harry had become a flawless actor. When you were supposed to be a hero to the world, you learned to show only what the public wished. No one could ever know the depths of his depression. To avoid hurt and rejection he fled Hogwarts as soon as his graduation certificate was slapped into his uncaring hand. Instead he fled into misery and loneliness without Severus' company. Afraid of the reactions his secret would elicit, he sank into smiling lies and became adept at the glamours used to hide the effects of little sleep and the scars of self-mutilation. 'They couldn't suspect anything.' Harry's mind repeated over and over. 'If they knew…' On the inside, Harry was crumbling as he spent each and every second wishing Severus would love him back. To become more than just good friends.

Harry snorted. "I deserve no one, I'm just a chess piece that has been used and thrown away. Nobody would want a broken toy." Harry laid in his four poster bed thinking about what had gone wrong over the years. Deliberately, Harry checked off his fingers one by one. "Friends…" he trailed off forlornly.

The "golden trio" had turned into the "passionate duo". After leaving Hogwarts, Hermione and Ron immediately married. The couple and Harry still contacted each other, but slowly the letters became short notes and then dwindled to nothing at all. There wasn't much to say anymore. They went their separate ways. Ron and Hermione moved on to love, family and life, whereas Harry into stagnation and despair.

Slowly checking off another finger, Harry whispered to himself.

"Sirius I miss you. I wish you could be here, keeping me strong through this. I wish I didn't lead you to your death. I'm sorry. For that, I don't deserve to be happy." At this, a tear escaped the eyes of the one who once held the burden of the Wizarding World.

Harry stared, fascinated by his next finger. Almost with a religious like reverence he said, "Severus…"

He had even started to drift away from Severus since his arrival, not going to their usual after dinner tea or making conversation while breakfasting. Bewildered, Severus noticed these changes. He had tried to talk to Harry, but all he received were one word answers that couldn't be continued into further conversations.

That first term crept by as Harry descended even further into despair as he watched the two men from afar. With the mind numbing apathy he attempted to cultivate to avoid the pain, Harry thought he could handle not being with Severus. Watching the two men kiss and express their affection for each other was like picking at a scab. He knew it was destroying him to obsess over the relationship but he could not keep away. Two days after Christmas, Harry knew it was all for naught as he stumbled upon the two of them in the potions classroom.

Severus sank into Draco with his eyes clenched shut. The two bodies moved to each other's rhythm, yelling out profanities that could turn anyone on. "Draco!" Severus yelled when they both achieve their peaks of orgasm.

Once Severus and Draco dropped on the desk, Harry snapped and bolted. His mind was a maelstrom of fear and desolation with nothing to anchor him anymore.

Tears fell from the sadden face of the broken-hearted man. "Why can't I be Draco! I just can't take it anymore. Being near Severus is hard for me, I just wish he would acknowledge me from time to time instead of fawning over Draco so much."

Wiping the tears away as he fled, Harry mulled over the fact that his life had no importance. "I have no friends to keep me company. I have no lover who can keep me warm when I needed it the most. I have no parent to give me the comfort and support I most desperately crave. I'm alone. Just me in this tiresome world."

Harry kept running without looking back. He ran and ran until he felt moisture on his face. It was raining. Without hesitation, he headed for the Forbidden Forest. 'No one can find me there. I can do this without interruption. And then the creatures can have me when I'm gone. I don't deserve to be here. I have done my purpose. There is no life here, only hurt and suffering.'

While Harry ran toward the forest, he didn't notice the obscure figure hidden in the shadows, puzzled over Harry's frantic dash through the rain. The figure followed behind; just close enough to see Harry enter the forbidden forest before disappearing.

Harry slowed down when he bordered a clearing somewhere in the forest. Coming to a halt, Harry conjured a razor from a leaf. 'Thank Merlin I'm good at Transfiguration.' crossed his now chaotic mind

Harry found a nice patch of grass to collapse onto and immediately started to make an incision down from the inside of his elbow to his wrist. Harry sagged towards the deep gash, watching single-mindedly as the blood flowed freely from the wound. It was bliss, sweet bliss.

As the tears fell from Harry's dull emerald eyes, another cut was made. Tears mixed with the blood creating brooks of morning and rivers of sorrow along his arms. Although Harry's vision isn't clear, he didn't care where he cut. All he wanted was to die, to let go of the pain in his heart. Just to be free.

Harry kept slashing.

"Goodbye Hogwarts, my home. Goodbye Albus, you have been there for me all these years. Goodbye to you Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, I hope you have a wonderful life without me, like you need me anyway. Goodbye Remus, I do hope I won't disappoint you by destroying your only living link to my parents. Goodbye dear heart. My Severus that wasn't even mine, I hope you truly have a happy life with Draco. My only regret is that I should have told you how I felt in the first place. I wouldn't feel so empty. I wish you the best of luck. I love you and I will never forget you."

Harry couldn't feel anymore, his body numb from blood loss. "I'm coming mother, father, Sirius. I want to see you all again. Especially Sirius, I've missed you so much."

Tears shred away from the broken-hearted boy, looking up at the sky one last time. "Goodbye Severus, I love you."

Harry's vision darkened. With a smile on his face, he fell, hearing "No! I love you Harry. No, Harry!

Harry lay still on the blood stained grass. Gone.

Fin or not to fin?

A/N: Well, this is a fic where most of this happened in my real life. Not to some extremes but relatively similar. Sorry for the mistake that are left in here. I can't write lol. Anyway, there are some arts I'mstill not happy about but I can't seem to make them work so excuse them!


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